| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2007|09:10 am] |
on the real it doesnt matter whats been said or done,
how i feel? don't you know that you're the only one.
today is nancy's wedding i am super excited! my 3rd wedding of the year!
.....
-now time to be open about how i feel....
i am at the point where pain doesnt hurt me anymore, i just get
disappointed and i guess it accumulates because everytime things
start to hurt i just push it away so it wont hurt me anymore.
i hate that you can just get away with these things and i hate myself
even more cause i let you.
how will you ever learn?...my intentions ARE there its just hard to do.
they were workin for a bit but i am so 2sided...i know i dont deserve the shit you
do...but then i just love you so much and the situation just gets all clouded up n
forgiven.
when i give you chances, you break the promises leaving me with hopeless dreams
then you make it up somehow and what kills me is you get away with it so easily...
you say that if i stick around to show that "i care" it'll be better off this way.
but my heart is not capable of doing that...how could it?
then i think...im not going to start all over again. i am not capable of getting to know
someone knew... i just feel ICKY and grossed out...why? cause its not you.
so where does that leave me? |
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| i'd watch stars with you anyday... |
[Jul. 26th, 2007|11:20 pm] |
in the midst of this beautiful warm night you shared a chair,
your heart, your warmth and your soul with me
i loved this moment we witnessed together, the location, the scenery,
everything just* perfect.
i hope i have something to look forward to because i would count stars with you anyday <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 25th, 2007|09:49 am] |
Make It Work - neyo
You Understand Me
At Least You Say You Do
Lately Thats Enough For Me
Looking For Perfect
Surrounded By Artificial
Your The Closest Thing To Real I've Seen
Im Sure Everyone Has Their Problems
Thats A Given
Yours Are The Easiest To Tolerate
This Wasnt What We Was Wanting
How We're Living
Lets Take This Good Enough And Turn It To Great
Baby Understand...
This Can Only Be As Good As We Both Make It
Guess Sometimes Its Gonna Hurt
We Can Be As Happy As We Want To Be Girl
But We Gotta Make It Work
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
Sometimes I Love You
More Than You'll Ever Know
Other Times You Get On My Nerves
That's Just Reality
No, It Can't Always Be
Kisses, Hugs, And Beautiful Words
You Was Looking For Your Friends
What You Found
Is A Partner With Potential
And No, I Know I Ain't Perfect
But I'm Around
Girl Time And Patience Is Essential
Baby Realize...
This Can Only Be As Good As We Both Make It
Guess Sometimes Its Gonna Hurt
We Can Be As Happy As We Want To Be Girl
But We Gotta Make It Work
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
Thick And Thin,
The Bad Outweighs The Good Sometimes
That Doesn't Mean We're 'spose To Give It Up
My Problems Are Yours,And Yours Are Mine
This Can Only Be As Good As We Both Make It
Guess Sometimes Its Gonna Hurt
We Can Be As Happy As We Want To Be Girl
But We Gotta Make It Work
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh
We Gotta Make It Work...
Ay Oh Ay Oh Oh |
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| back on thiss |
[Jul. 23rd, 2007|10:21 am] |
i am back!
wow it has been so long but yah i deleted fb for a bit so i will do my daily rantings here.
so much has happened in the past few months, more than i have ever imagined.
what do you do when everything which seemed flawless and natural breaks down
into this bizarre complicated situation leaving you absolutely unsure of your wants and needs.
for the first time in my life i actually dont know what i want.
its difficult when your heart and mind are at different levels. you would think your mind
is logical because you use it to think but how can you think without a heart?
so i have just been trying to get by trying to sort out my feelings but i dont get any closer
to where i want to be.
you have to be cruel to be kind |
|
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| ... |
[Feb. 16th, 2007|08:31 pm] |
"thank you" for...
- the misleading events
- waiting for calls which never happened
- waiting* in GENERAL
- sticking up for you
- taking shit for you
- crying over you
- doubting myself
- blaming myself
- and then* you making up for it
- saying kind words which blind me
- showing affection to get yourself out of trouble
- and then for doing it again
...creating a cycle which i am rather familiar with.
so familiar that problems arent problems anymore, they are simply routine.
then going back to loving you, and convincing myself on how im the luckiet girl in the world, and feeling that its true. then starting at the top of the list all over again.
you do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around, That's what loves* all about" |
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| In 2006 I... |
[Jan. 12th, 2007|11:33 pm] |
[ ] was single
[*] got kissed
[ ] kissed someone new
[*] made out
[*] made out in a car
[*] kissed in the snow
[*] kissed in the rain
[ ] had my heart broken
[ ] broke someone else's heart
[ ] had a stalker
[*] lost a friend
[*] had a good relationship with someone
[ ] came out of my closet
[ ] got pregnant
[ ] had an abortion
[ ] got married
[ ] had a divorce
[ ] kissed someone of the same sex
[ ] met someone that I will never forget
[*] did something I regret
[ ] dated someone I thought I loved
[ ] lost my true love
[ ] lost faith in love
[*] kissed under mistletoe
[ ] got a promotion
[*] got a pay raise
[ ] changed jobs
[ ] lost my job
[ ] quit my job for school
[ ] dated a co-worker
[ ] dated my boss
[ ] dated my boss's son/daughter
[ ] got fired from my job
[ ] got straight A's
[ ] met a teacher who I became friends with
[*] met a teacher who I really hate
[*] found the subject I love
[*] skipped class
[*] skipped school
[ ] got in a fight with a classmate
[*] did something I was proud of
[*] discovered a new talent
[*] proved myself an idiot
[*] embarrassed myself in front of the class
[ ] fell in love with a teacher
[*] was involved in something that I will never forget
[ ] painted a picture
[*] wrote a poem
[ ] ran a mile
[*] listened to music I couldn’t stand
[*] double dipped
[ ] skinny-dipped
[ ] went to a sleepover
[ ] went to camp
[*] threw a surprise party
[*] laughed till I cried
[ ] laughed till I peed my pants
[] flirted shamelessly
[ ] visited a foreign country
[ ] visited a foreign province
[ ] cooked a disastrous meal
[ ] was part of a rumour
[*] lost something important to me
[*] got a gift I love
[*] realized something new about myself
[*] went on a diet
[ ] tried to gain weight
[*] dyed my hair
[ ] came close to losing my life
[ ] someone close to me died
[*] went to a wild party
[*] drank alcohol
[ ] drank alcohol underage
[*] got drunk
[ ] got arrested
[*] read a great book
[*] saw a great movie
[ ] saw a movie so scary that it made me cry
[ ] saw a favorite band live
[*] did something that I want to tell everyone
[*] experienced something new
[*] made new friends
[ ] found out who your real friends are IN THE WORST OF WAYS.
[*] lied to your parents
[*] snuck out
[ ] got in trouble with police
[*] kissed in a pool
[*] kissed under the stars
[*] smoked
[*] got high
[*] got wasted
[*] went to a party
[*] had the time of your life
[*] danced
[ ] fell out of love
[ ] had a crush on someone
[ ] changed your sexual preference
[*] swam in a pool
[ ] made a snowman
[ ] went snowboarding
[ ] went sledding
[ ] slept in past 2pm
[*] held someone’s hand that you care about
[*] got wasted in a public place
[ ] got wasted in Mexico
[ ] told someone you like them as more than a friend
[ ] gone on vacation
[ ] gone on vacation with a friend
[*] driven a car
[ ] played strip poker
[ ] danced in the rain
[ ] rode a bike in the snow
[ ] got in a car accident
[*] seen someone get in a car accident
[ ] got in a fist fight
[*] laughed until you couldn't breathe
[*] had an amazing year
[*] missed someone
[ ] got hit by a car
[ ] sent someone to the hospital
[*] got a new pet
[*] enjoyed this year overall |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 29th, 2006|10:38 pm] |
the fact that i have 3 exams 2mrw makes me feel sick to my stomach
i just want to sit and cry =( |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 13th, 2006|07:00 pm] |
i dont know why knowing one thing can just change everything.
your whole perception on how you see the world, it just shifts completely.
then suddenly im less caring, less responsive and i just dont want to know what i know
will ruin me somehow.
but i dont know why it does...a friend suggested it was because your whole perception
of how you saw that person changes. but even tho i know the basics i dont want to go into
detail to know the whole story. |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2006|04:38 pm] |
i am angry and i dont know why.
maybe its because wen i am actually caught in the moment of being angry with you
i can't fully express it you. sometimes it gets to me so bad and i honestly
just feel like punching something. my hand starts to curl into a fist ready
for anything that comes my way, but the fact is i never do it.
i never fully get to say how much you anger me not because i suppress it gladly
but because i don't want to add to the complications even when its clearly your fault. |
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| SCHOOL |
[Sep. 28th, 2006|08:13 pm] |
i am enrolled in a gender course where i basically get to comment
on how the text is being dirty and sexual.
im not used to writing essay on how bad the girl wanted to get banged cause
shes so helpless and inexperienced, but hey i do what i do....
i need to get ahead instead of finishing RIGHT on time, it still stresses me out.
but other than that, things are lookin good this year. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 18th, 2006|09:00 pm] |
what kills you only makes you stronger ?
unfortunately it has made me NUMB. |
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| my dad is FUCKING rude |
[Sep. 3rd, 2006|12:23 am] |
my dad is FUCKING rude...
so my bf is over and were watching a movie and i swear right at 12am, my dad waits till
the fucking second it turns 12 right on the dot, and parades downstairs saying
IN A RUDE WAY
"okay its gettin late now, time to go...why are you sitting like that?"
1. hes being an ass for being so rude in front of company, if he had guests over
im not gonna go downstairs and KICK them out just for my sake, fucking idiot.
2. its fucking 12am, my dads an idiot. this is how it works...
if i have a boy over he thinks that they should leave RIGHT at 12 midnight, not a MINUTE later
or he starts lookin down the stairs, (he thinks i dont see him, i see his stupid
shadow)
i hate it cause his parents would never do that to me, their so nice
and dont give a shit but NOOO im blessed with this idiot.
if i come home late, i get bitched at but at least i save myself from embarrassment.
but if he comes over i get BOTH. so i have come to a conclusion...i will just
go out late late late especially for the next few nights left before school just to piss him the fuck off.
oh and on another note, i also realized that when i dont talk to him (i often go into
these outrages and say I AM NEVER TALKING TO U EVER AGAIN and it usually falls
through because i feel bad and just start talkin to my dad) but when i dont talk to him
he doesnt say anything when i come home late or w/e, its just no comment, i like that better
W H A T E V E R
im just so angry i cant even type.
and i dont mean to seem like such a drama queen this evening im just so angry |
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| typin with one hand... |
[Aug. 30th, 2006|09:23 pm] |
today at work i was warmin up this ladys chicken WITH SAUCE** and
i burned my right hand wen i took it outtaa the micro, it
affected 3 fingers and part of my palm n it hurtsss :'(
lol every1 at work was so concerned it was so cute! they love me =)
but it still doesnt make up for this pain im feelin right now.
but best of all my moms been so nice and my boyfriend hesss so sweet.
he came over to check up on me, n he cut my hotdog lol and my mango.
u know ur in love when ur bf cuts ur food for u wen u r impared n cannot do so lol
1 wk till school =s |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2006|12:13 am] |
school is quickly approaching and i am not ready for my 2nd year!!
im not even realizing how fast summer went cause i feel like its not ending...
bf may go to away for the weekend, and i was suppost to go
but u know my parents...old fashioned... where the answer is NO to anything which
consists of me sleepin somewhere overnight where they arent inches away...
sucks to be me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 19th, 2006|01:16 am] |
speechless =$
even through the gay GAYY headaches and times where i stresss
i love himm <3.
thank youu; one year in 5 days ... yippie man time flies. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2006|01:10 am] |
i hate to admit it...
but this summer sucks
no more 'let downs' for the rest of the summer please |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2006|10:53 am] |
-i want the weather to be HOTTTER.
with how it is now, it reminds me of that feeling i get when the weather drops in
late August reminding me that school is starting soon and i HATE that feeling!!
-i hope i hit up the beach this saturday (lake simcoe)
anna get directions from ur dad lol i dont trust eric ...more like begging....
otherwise the furthest i have gone this summer is basically fucking mississauga
with the exception of driving all the way to guelph but that was only on the 401, SO it doesnt count
-ive been working working oh my my my...
during the school year i only plan on working 3 hrs a week on the sunday. so every two
weeks i will receive a paycheque of about $75 lol.
-i am not excited for a year filled of reading non stop + ridiculous math problems
thank god i got into concurrent and i will balance it out with my learning teaching
stuff. (thank god it'll only be 8 months)
-when im done those 8 months i am hitting up some hot country!!
omg i'll be 20... fucking so old. |
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| Quiz for boredom |
[Aug. 3rd, 2006|06:22 pm] |
Quick Basics
1. Name: Nessa
2. Age: 19
3. Location: Toronto
Down To The Good Stuff
4. What are some of your goals in life?: marry a guy who i can relate to, who will make me happy in all ways possible and who will support me throughout it all. with this individual i will
conceive 2 beautiful children lol who will be successfull.
to complete my 2 degrees and be a good teacher who will make differences in ppl's lives.
5. Do you actually have these on a list like on a Walk To Remember?: nahh
6. How many have these have you actually accomplished?: not yet, but they are pending haha.
7. Which is really important to you, love or money?: love, since money is the ultimate source
of problems + evil. love is genuine and hard to find.
8. If you have something important to say to a friend, say it here?: I LOVE YOU ALLL
9. What is your biggest fear?: loosing everything without having any control.
10. What is your earliest childhood memory?: my dad carrying me and everytime we'd pass by the fridge
i would reach to grab a box of cereal (or whatever was on top of the fridge) and try to eat
it. then my father would take it away from me lol.
11. Whom do you hate more than anyone?: make love not war.
12. Would you kill him/her?: ^^
13. Whom do you love more than anyone?: my parents, i really doo =) <3 even though i have a funny
way of showing it lol.
14. Would you die for him/her?: yeahh
15. Share a secret that not many people know.: i can teach piano legitly lol
16. How many times have you had sex?: wow lol.
17. With how many people?: a million haha
18. Would you have sex with someone you didn't love?: i'd like to say i wouldnt but i say alot of things.
19. Have you ever seriously considered getting a sex change?: no!
20. How many people have you honestly loved (besides friends and family)?: 2
If You Had To Choose, Would You Rather..
21. Not be with your true love or live with them and never get married?: live w/them
22. Be hated and never forgotten or loved and never remembered?: loved
23. Live forever and be blind or live to be 65 with all your sense intact?: live to 65
24. Erase your bad memories or keep them as lessons?: keep them as lessons. you cant appreciate the good if u never experienced the bad.
25. Never have sex again or lose a limb?: i dunno, if losing a limb hurts alot then i'd rather not
have sex lol.
26. Watch 96 hours straight of The Wiggles or eat a jar of mayonnaise?: lol thats gross, ill eat
the mayo just as long as i can eat sometihng with it.
27. Rob a bank with a highlighter or go into a shark tank with a sausage?: rob a bank with a highlighter
Dishing More Dirt
28. How many illegal drugs have you done (including alcoholic beverages)?: 1, but i dont think cronic is illegal anymore lol.
29. Have you ever purposely overdosed on a prescription med?: no
30. Have you ever taken prescription meds that weren't yours?: no
31. Does your family have a history of alcoholism/drug use?: nope
32. Are you planning to experiment in college or did you?: nope
33. Have you ever had an eating disorder?: nope
34. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?: nope
35. How did you get out of it if you did?: n/a
36. Do you see love like a drug?: yes i do, quite addictive
37. What song describes you in this moment?: i just thought of the ashanti song where it has a lyric
about drugs and love being related coz of question #36
38. Who inspires you to better yourself?: my mommy, she doesnt want me to be a screw up lol
39. Are you an optimist, a pessimist or a realist deep down?: optimist
40. Do you believe in fate?: yess
41. If so, then where do you think it's gonna take you?: to love which will last foreverrr
Thoughts
42. Ever had a funny thought and laughed and no one understood you?: lol yes im random like that |
|
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| time for an update... |
[Aug. 2nd, 2006|08:43 pm] |
-i've decided to get my natural science out of the way, so i am
going to take understanding colour next year! the science
that actually seemed interesting (lol u can tell by the title)
and valloo's takin the same class just different section.
-weather has been beautiful lately, im loving it
-summer is finally gettin good. i owe that to the shifts at work i have
been absent from. they're just not scheduling me, therefore i am
enjoying my summer =)
-i still need to go to a beach!! (a real one, woodbine doesnt count)
-this weekends schedule is so confusing, one version says i am off and another
says im working. if im off i want to go to the beach!
-last week i was walking everywhere, now im back to being lazy.
--things i still gotta do before september 6th comes:
go to the cne =)
go to a nice beach
go to centerisland, wildwaterkingdom, or ontario place
go jogging regularly
go to a pub with friends
go CLUBBING a 19+ one!!!!
watch "lady in the water"
read at least one book from next years reading list
have my annual bbq
here goes... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2006|12:29 am] |
yess baby got his car back.
went to ontario place coz his friends gf has a boat, so chilled @ ontario place
after work.
the rides on the golf carts were fun.
lol we stole like 40 ice cream barss!!! haagandaz + oreo ice cream bars + popsicles
probably worth over $100 (u konw the prices down there they are like $5 per ice cream)
the box thing was open so we ate so much ahhaha.
ugh so many bugs though!!!
summmers been awesome lately, i stilll need to hit up the beach im surprised i havent
even reached woodbine yet (how pathetic)
i am officially a honours major english studen + minor in statistics as of today.
still tryin to get into the same nats as val, but watever happens happens, we'll see.
today ive been craving pizza hut so bad i want the stuffed crust but i shuld stay away from
greeesy food. now im craving corn on the cob. haha. (only cause i saw this small
dinky one at work)
i did 50 sit ups today at ease whoohooo progress (i know its not that many but i have like
no upper body strength lol)
saturday may reach a bbq, my friends back from western canada.
next week goin to richtree with some co-workers on tuesday
at some point gotta go to mississauga
gonna go with eric to get his tattoo
saturday bbq again
"what's happeninn" |
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